I Am Broken

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This is a blog post I just added at: www.dystoniasufferer.com
I don’t blog as often now, it’s just going back over old ground. I only blog now, when I really feel what I write is worth sharing.
I hope my words may resonate with others, and make you feel less alone. Andrea x
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As I lay with my arms outstretched, crouched at the side of the bed.

My head down and tears fully flowing, with me sobbing and not knowing how to stop.

I am a broken woman!

I still have flashbacks, I still relive moments from my past.

I want my girls to hold and hug close, and never let them go. He hurt us too much, way too much.

Shock, pain, hurtful late night calls. Constant notes through the door, hounding me to meet up. After what he did!? 

The suicide threats he made, and in front of our girls!!!! Him asking to be past a knife to slit his wrists.

My daughters turmoils, the total and utter disruption to their lives. 

The total break of my marriage of 21 years. 

The following mess and trying to hold on and keep going. All that followed, the house, a roof over our heads. Trying to put food in our stomachs, how I deprived myself to feed my daughter, 

Holding on to a job where I was being harrassed by my boss, all whilst going through my troubled home life.

The divorce proceedings I set in place, and stood my ground. Getting some self esteem back, finding me again. 

FMD and PTSD are really, one and the same. I go through similar things.

Times like this I can’t stop crying, I just want out.

But my saving grace, a wonderful man I met who whirled me off my feet. Gave be confidence and showed me how to love again, made me a person who could feel again after I had shut down.

Only I’m not a full person anymore, I’m missing  bits. I’m broken, my brain has memory problems mostly short term. 

But there are things that happened during my marriage break up, that I have no memory of.

Things that have happened whilst with my new partner, I have no memory of.

It’s the scariest thing, not knowing part of your life but others do.

It’s the scariest thing, having flash backs suddenly out of the blue. That interrupt and distort your day, change your feelings. Make you go so low, it’s a struggle to keep getting back up.

It’s the scariest thing, having your body suddenly turn against you. Start breaking down, not moving properly. Not moving how you ask it, or moving without you asking!

It’s the scariest thing, living in my world. Every day, for the rest of my life!

I am hurt, still. 

I am broken, always.

I don’t really know who I am anymore

I just had to blurt this and get it out. 

Real life is hard, nothing is all roses. Not in my world.  

But I love all my family dearly, my girls especially. They make me a proud Mum, they have moved on and are now living their lives.

My elder sister I have to thank for looking after me so well in the first weeks, with no thought to disrupting her own life and work. She stepped out and caught me as I fell, whilst cradling my girls too. Thank you sis with all my heart xxx

Me I still struggle, and probably always will. Becoming physically and I guess mentally disabled, from something that happened in your life, to change the way your brain works. Well, it’s still very hard to grasp. 

So yes, I have my break down days. Today just happens to be one of them, and I felt I needed to set it free.

Maybe now I can move on?

You only have to look at the tags to see all the problems, and disorders I live with. So only time will tell.

Thanks for reading as always, and take care X.

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