In my 3rd Psychology Treatment Session, I expected to be carrying on talking through the stress scales I had given for the years we had not got through in my previous session.
So that would have been the years 2010 (the start of my worst years) to November 2012.
Only when I got in and asked, my Psychologist said he had read through all the printout I had left with him.
That he could see the amount of stress, upset and life and family upheaval I had been through. Which gave more insight and understanding about how or why, I may have my disorder.
I took my fiancé with me to this session, because as we told my psychologist I now have a lot of memory problems.
In fact it is a good job, because at the start of my sessions I usually do a run through of what’s happened since I last saw him, to bring him up to date.
I forgot lots of vital information, in fact I am terrible. I tend to give bits of information, and add in as it pops into my head.
This sort of thing annoys the hell out of my fiancé, but it is now how my brain works. It doesn’t have a memory flow if you like, I remember things in bits. Like puzzles, then add then together for the fuller picture.
Luckily my psychologist continually takes notes during my sessions, so he will be able to put it all together. Or I hope so!
With my fiancé there,we did actually bring up the question as to how my sessions are supposed to be helping me. The reason being that I am not getting any better, in fact I am still getting worse.
My body still constantly has changes, as if the spasms move around.
Now that’s not really true, what happens in reality is that you feel the most painful spasms and they take precedence over all the other weird movements.
When you focus on the most painful part of your disorder, it means you forget to look after the rest of your disorder and the muscles which are still spasming and twisting, hurting, continue but don’t get the attention they need.
The muscle gel, the massaging. The taking that bit extra care about moving that part of your body, and remembering not to push yourself.
My psychologist has no answer, no definitive “yes I can make you better, or I can fix this movement, or I can take away that pain, or any part of my disorder”.
I felt a little sorry, that we were putting him on the spot. Although, if you read my previous I think I may have noted that I do ask him every time I see him. Will I get better? 🙁
He says he listens to me, gives advice (like the stress release bucket, find your own release and turn the tap when your bucket is nearly full). Well I already have my release, a I told him I do a daily blog
He said that was great, an extremely positive release.
Also that I have set up this website www.functionalmovementdisorder.com
As that is what my Specialist Movement Disorder Neurology Consultant, names this disorder. Only if you look on the web, Google it, you wouldn’t find it anywhere at all!
Well now you can, you will come to my site. Where I told my psychologist, that I try to give real information from the patients point of view. With information I find that helps me, and so share it in the hope it may help others with the same questions as I had or still have.
I told him I try to raise awareness, that my disorder is just not known about and is one of the biggest things to have to deal with. Constantly explaining, telling your story or symptoms over and over, gets to a point where you want to break.
People all know what Parkinson’s, or MS, ME, Fibromyalgia, Chorea, and other movement disorders. Well it seems no one knows what Functional Movement Disorder is, or Dystonia. I have Dystonia in my left eye and face, but I also get lots if Dystonic Movements in the rest of my body with my disorder. I also have lots of overlapping symptoms from all the other above disorders.
But my disorders are invisible, not known about. So why do I get down?
The constant explaining, and fighting to get treatment from my Dr who is old school. I cry every single day!
My Psychologist had also done a chart for this session, which is of some of the things we have spoke about from the very first assessment appointment, up to my 2nd session. How I felt at the beginning, my guilt that I feel a burden and what has and is happening around me.
How my problems continue, nothing getting better. Both my movements, and my life.
How to look at not pushing myself, and thinking about numbers as you push yourself. Not to push myself to the top numbers, to try to stay only half way.
Trouble is I am not a half way person, I always push myself to the limit. I have high expectations of myself, always have.
I need to learn to lower my limit, half way!
Well this last week or so I have been very low, feeling so down. We think some of this is a lot to do with me my recent change in tablets, I am now on Gabapentin and my personality has changed. Or so I am told.
You question yourself how on earth you can think of hurting yourself, when you have so much to live for. The answer – depression. Only it is extremely hard to see it just on your own, my fiancé saw it. He told me what he was seeing, I didn’t believe him about my personality change, not at first.
That’s the denial, something I needed to get through before I can start to deal with it myself. We all need our family, our nearest and dearest to help us in times like this.
Anyway, I am not sure what my next psychology session will be about. I am going to go in and just sit this time and let him talk to me, see if he can start to offer me some solutions.
Who knows 🙂
What I do know, is that as I didn’t get to discuss my feelings of being so low, or personality changes. As really this has happened since. I think this will be part of the next session, we have done all the chat about what I have etc, I want to tell him my inside feelings.
I need to get it all out, time to lay myself bare 🙁